Unseen Crimes

The Ugly Taste of Bile

“What I need is a good defense
‘Cause I’m feelin’ like a criminal
And I need to be redeemed
To the one I’ve sinned against
Because he’s all I ever knew of love”

— Fiona Apple, “Criminal”

I am confused.

This is a normal state of mind, so it does not come as any huge surprise to me or, as is very likely, most people who know me. But eventually, things start to make sense.

I am not sure what the worst thing I have ever done is. I know I have done things I regret, and things I thought I would regret ended up turning into things I would not change around for almost anything today. I know I have never consciously gone out with malice in my heart or mind guiding my actions.

As one reads history ... one is absolutely sickened, not by the crimes that the wicked have committed, but by the punishments that the good have inflicted.

— Oscar Wilde

I believe people seldom (maybe never) know when they are doing the worst thing they have ever done or will do. Did Cole Tomas Allen (three names like all potential Presidential assassins) know that attempting to burst in and murder people at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner was going to be the worst thing he ever did? Anyone who does something like that cannot have a very defined moral compass, so I am guessing…no, he did not think about anything coherent when he did what he did.

If you are robbing a bank, embezzling funds from a charity, or a sociopathic killer, you may have some idea that you are doing a bad thing. It only stands to reason there might be a small voice stuttering out “I should not be doing this” in a person’s mind.

For the record, I have never known anyone like that.

I do know some defense lawyers, and some of the stories they have shared are absolutely mind blowing. And given attorney-client privilege, what I know can probably fit inside a thimble with room to spare.

Defense lawyers are the most ethical people I have ever met. Again, for the record, I have never had a reason to know a defense lawyer, so my sample size is…small.

To a layman, defense lawyers have to follow a bit of a bizarre code of ethics, but they follow it to the letter. There is never anything nebulous in what a defense lawyer says to you, no matter the subject. You know exactly where he/she/they stand on whatever it is you are discussing with them. It is refreshing and a little intimidating.

“Let me know the way
Before there’s hell to pay
Give me room to lay the law and let me go
I’ve got to make a play
To make my lover stay
So, what would an angel say?
The devil wants to know”

— “Criminal”

Fiona Apple is not talking about felonious acts, but she is singing about acts of emotional violence of similar impact, albeit on a MUCH smaller scale…the lover, the conflict, the break-up, the aftermath, the dark feeling in your gut that makes everything you swallow taste like an ugly bile; the angel and the devil symbolically sitting on opposing shoulders, with the devil appearing to have the upper hand. The feeling of remorse or guilt our narrator feels…

…there is a lot going on in that song. But the idea of “feelin’ like a criminal” got to me when I heard it the other day. She is resigned to having done something awful, not quite ready to give up, wondering “how on earth did I get here?” National sports pages have been wrapped up in the scandal of a football coach having a relationship with a reporter whose living is spent reporting about football coaches. The coach has been circumspect; the writer more defiant, but it looks like the inevitable is the most obvious – two married people engaged in a wildly inappropriate relationship sidestepping multiple conflicts of interest. Does one or the other feel like a criminal? The coach voluntarily entered therapy this past weekend, so my guess is…yeah, at least one does. Did either of them think ahead of time, “I am going to purposely wreck my professional reputation and become a national punch line,” at any point? Probably not.

I am quite purposely trying to keep things in my past in proper perspective, even after analyzing and breaking down…and analyzing…and breaking down…questionable decisions and how they may have impacted others. If I spend much time thinking about any ill-conceived actions in my past, I may be tempted to just turn myself in for forgetting to take the garbage out.

I was lyin’ in a burned out basement
With the full moon in my eyes
I was hopin’ for replacement
When the sun burst through the sky
There was a band playin’ in my head
And I felt like getting high
I was thinkin’ about what a friend had said
I was hopin’ it was a lie

— Neil Young, “After the Gold Rush”

I hate the phrase “rip the band-aid off.” More often than not, it is symbolically the right thing to do, BUT lots of people use it to justify their own bad behavior – “yeah, I had to do it, just to get it over with.” In my jaundiced view, that sometimes will make sense…but it CAN justify bad behavior with the perpetrator claiming “I had no other choice…” When it comes to relationships, there is ALWAYS another choice. In most cases, there usually is another choice.

“After the Gold Rush” is commonly understood to be a commentary about mankind’s deteriorating relationship with the environment. And it probably is. I do not generally go against the tide on stuff like that because…as noted above, I am easily confused.

Because it was written in 1970, this is remarkably prescient, but Neil Young is…Neil Young. If any singer/songwriter could predict the future, it is probably him. Maybe Dylan, possibly Peter Gabriel, but definitely Neil Young.

Instead of mankind’s on-again, off-again relationship with Mother Nature, I am more inclined to think of the song…at least the verse above…as one about resignation, but unlike “Criminal,” this one feels final. The band-aid was ripped off and our narrator is half-heartedly hoping it was a lie.

To my ears, and maybe it is just Young’s vocals, this feels more like a permanent loss than “Criminal.” Fiona Apple’s work is more relatable and places the burden squarely on one person’s shoulders, even with the devil and an angel battling for the singer’s soul. Everyone has felt like the “criminal,” but most of us feel exoneration (or at least forgiveness) is within our grasp. But if you are the one who suffered at the hands of the perp, all bets are off.

Just get a good defense lawyer.

Quick sidenote: “After the Gold Rush” – the single, not the album, was released on September 19, 1970, which happens to be my second birthday.