One Word Paragraphs

New Beachheads to Conquer

“The sea, it swells like a sore head
And the night, it is aching
Two lovers lie with no sheets on their bed
And the day it is breaking…

Car alarm won’t let you back to sleep
You’re kept awake dreaming someone else’s dream
Coffee is cold, but it’ll get you through
Compromise, that’s nothing new to you
Let’s see colours that have never been seen
Let’s go to places no one else has been

You’re in my mind all of the time
I know that’s not enough
Well, if the sky can crack, there must be some way back
To love and only love”

— U2, “Electrical Storm”

The healthiest thing you can do – sometimes – is go to war with and against yourself.

The other night I was talking about having the perfect comeback for a sworn enemy (or frenemy). I exhausted all the creatively awful ways to tear someone to pieces, one verbal whack after another. Doing it to myself seems slightly sadomasochistic, so I will refrain…for the moment.

But a war with yourself is a war you cannot lose. You just keep going until you achieve lasting peace.

I’m still trying to establish a beachhead.

Holidays are established along certain tiers, and birthdays are pretty high up there on those upper rungs. You seldom have to fight to get your birthday acknowledged. Christmas always arrives on December 25^th. Juneteenth and July 4^th are on the horizon and are self-explanatory. Calendars help poke when the dates are more nebulous. Mothers’ and Fathers’ Day are never the exact same date every year. Easter sometimes hits in March and not April.

What about when time means nothing? What about when your brain can only process so much because it is too busy fighting your rear flank?

This was me today.

My brain is screwed up. Medications do most of the work, but my brain has an answer for that perfect comeback…it just short-circuits everything, makes things go black, make me feel like I am drowning on dry land, and leaves the rest for me to clean up. A bruised body, a bruised brain, sore eyes, some ugly scars…and lots of cursing. I read “no” is a complete sentence. So is “fuck,” and “arrghhhh!” Hell, those are one-word paragraphs.

I recently told someone I might wish these aftereffects on my worst enemy…maybe. I am not a sadist, though, and I recanted that bold, craven and petty wish…but I may have a change of heart.

These events happen just often enough so I do not forget what it feels like for the switch to go off. They are often enough that I think twice before looking into strobe lights/go for a swim/try to keep my balance and they sure as hell are often enough for me to be on the outs with driving.

As for those petty jealousies and rightfully earned grievances toward another person…who the fuck am I?!

I stare at my car sitting in the driveway, sitting still like a reluctant Catholic school sixth grader sitting outside the confessional. The car, though, never gets absolution. The elements of the Northwest’s seasons have punished my car. It may not even have the strength to rev up to cruise the avenue, even if I am not the one shifting gears and setting the CD player to “shuffle.”

While Mona Lisas and Mad Hatters
Sons of bankers, sons of lawyers
Turn around and say, “Good morning” to the night
For unless they see the sky
But they can’t, and that is why
They know not if it’s dark outside or light

— Elton John (Bernie Taupin) – “Mona Lisas and Mad Hatters”

I will say it again: Bernie Taupin never gets enough credit as a lyricist.

It is 10:30pm as I write this, and darkness fully envelops the street just a few feet from where I sit. I hear cars; I hear horns and sirens and occasional, nonsensical, yet angry words come from the sidewalks and from the cars; I can tell by the echo if that car which just went by is exceeding the speed limit. It did. I can tell.

I’ll bemoan my fate, seeing my keyring minus the car key out of the corner of my right eyes…and I check my work email alerts. And this is when the battle commences.

“I can’t help it
If you might think I’m odd
If I say I’m not loving you for what you are
But for what you’re not
Everybody will help you
Discover what you set out to find
But if I can save you any time
Come on, give it to me
I’ll keep it with mine”

— Bob Dylan, “I’ll Keep It With Mine”

Today was Birthday Dreams Day at my employer’s home base. Two young boys, not more than five and seven years old, share today as their birthday; one was living in a car with his dad not that long ago. We partner with a company that makes birthdays possible for families we serve, primarily homeless families, including many single fathers. The invites, the presents, the cake, the off-key singing of “Happy Birthday” are all provided with the goal being…let the family be a family; make sure a kid’s birthday party is something to celebrate, rather than just a day literally spent trying to survive on the streets.

The “birthday tier,” the one adjacent to Christmas and July 4^th in the pecking order of holidays means something quite different to these families than it does to me. I won’t speak on behalf of you, but I guess most of you know what I am talking about, many of you may even agree with me. Birthdays never go away. And they are not forgotten, but when you are living out of a car, can’t quite make out why your birthday is not cause for some great, city-wide celebration like those kids down the street think, memories will quickly become quirky.

The bruises, the scars, the sore eyes…those go away. The cursing? Not so much.

But birthdays stay. For some, they lessen in importance as we age; for some, the passing of another year increases with importance and urgency how your life has been lived. And for some people…it’s both.

And the company-wide email detailing today’s festivities make those feelings behind the one-word sentences and paragraphs pale, reminders that you can find the right people to entrust certain pieces of your life. Allies in your battles. Dates and people are markers in our lives. They help tell the story of the war we are engaged in with ourselves, and the inevitable story of the peace accords which follow.

Happy Birthdays and Happy Mother’s Day to everyone.