Break Ups and Apologies
Take...me...home...
“Eating words has never given me indigestion.”
Winston Churchill
Quick note right off the top: Last night I made a somewhat flip statement that “if I had a choice” I would rather be bipolar than depressed. I woke up this morning to news that actor Robert Caradine died by suicide after struggling with bipolar disorder for over twenty years. He was in “Mean Streets” and “Coming Home” and “Revenge of the Nerds.” That is a great resume. His death is tragic.
Flippantly saying something like I would rather have bipolar disorder was dumb and insensitive to those who suffer from it. Unfortunately, it took a relatively famous person’s death for me to get straight on that.
And Winston Churchill is always a great source for an on-the-nose quote.
“If you find me in a gloom, or catch me in a dream
Inside my lonely room, there is no in between
Whispering pines, rising of the tide
If only one star shines
That’s just enough to get inside
I will wait until it all goes ‘round
With you in sight, the lost are found”
— Robbie Robertson and Richard Manuel, The Band, “Whispering Pines”
I will always find a way to include The Band in any essay, but any posthumous recognition is better than no recognition. “Whispering Pines” is significant for one particular reason: It is one of the few songs from The Band for which someone in addition to Robbie Robertson gets equal billing as a songwriter. The story of The Band’s demise and ensuing bitterness for decades after 1976 is too long and too complicated (and I’m too lazy) to summarize in less than one thousand words, and I already spent a chunk of tonight’s entry with a mea culpa about Robert Caradine.
Suffice to say, there is a strand of thought that Robbie Robertson convinced the other members through deception to sign away their rights to equal royalties from their catalogue. Now I am on Team Robbie, so I will grant him leeway, but “Whispering Pines” is an exception. Manuel’s imprint is all over this one. “Inside my lonely room, there is no in-between” could only have been written by Manuel, a tortured soul, who committed suicide while on tour with a reformed version of The Band in 1986.
“For if I live again, these hopes will never die
I can feel you standing there
But I don’t see you anywhere”
— “Whispering Pines”
As someone dealing with depression myself, (but perhaps not quite a tortured soul) I closely identify with that particular lyric as well as some of Manuel’s demons, even though I have never contemplated suicide. That feeling of longing for something you desperately hope appears but doesn’t is painful, and everyone can relate to it.
Unfortunately, Manuel’s death made Robertson’s reasons for disbanding the group in 1976 prophetic. Robertson believed endless touring would take one of them too early, and it was Manuel.
Dissolution of rock bands is almost inevitable and worth a series of essays by themselves. It makes the endurance and longevity of U2 and The Rolling Stones staggering. Even Bruce Springsteen fired the E Street Band at one point. This was a dreadful mistake and resulted in some truly terrible albums. I blame Jon Landau for that one. Roger Daltry and Pete Townshend reportedly hated each other, and only Bob Geldof’s incessant cajoling convinced them to get back together for Live Aid.
“Goodbye to that country home, so long, lady I have known
Farewell to my other side, I’d best just take it in stride
Unfaithful servant, you’ll learn to find your place
I can see it in your smile, and, yes, I can see it in your face
The mem’ries will linger on
But the good old days, they’re all gone
Oh, lonesome servant, can’t you see
We’re still one and the same
Just you and me”
— The Band, “The Unfaithful Servant”
Having never been in a rock band, I would not know the emotional investment band members would have in each other, but I imagine successful bands end quietly to the public and unbelievably private infighting through jealousy and pettiness, self-destructive behaviors and miscommunications.
Sort of like relationships in general.
Any relationship worth having but then disintegrates is worth grieving for. You will never convince me The Plastic Ono Band and Wings filled that space in John’s and Paul’s heart where The Beatles used to occupy.
Come to think of it, I am my own one-person rock band and did not even know it.
“Captain America’s been torn apart, now
He’s a court jester with a broken heart, he said
“Turn me around and take me back to the start”
I must be losin’ my mind, “Are you blind?”
I’ve seen it all a million times.”
— Guns ‘N Roses, “Paradise City”
Tonight was the State of the Union address by President Trump. I saw at least four reporters and sites on Substack today lead off with some variation of “I’m watching the State of the Union tonight, so you won’t have to.” Thank God for that, and I hope those reporters end up getting hazard pay. As someone who loves writing, I can confidently say I do not love it enough to have to report on something that will just infuriate me. I used to be a political junkie and devoured magazines like The New Republic. Now? “I must be losin’ my mind,” It just exhausts me. Politics has always been polarizing, and I am not exactly a political scientist. If I think you are wrong, I think you are wrong. These days, I may disagree with you, but I do not want to think less of your intellect…and I do not want to feel like I just ran a half marathon after a five-minute discussion about tariffs. Give me rock music and depression as topics, far cheerier than politics.
“Paradise City” seems like a (semi-) appropriate selection tonight. Lean on rock when politics makes you.
It is hard nearly forty years after the fact to remember just how huge Guns ‘N Roses was in 1987. They merged different styles of music including metal, rap, soft ballads and a lot of musical genius. Axl and Slash got most of the ink, but Izzy Stradlin had my undying respect for leaving the band at their height in 1991. He also presented himself as a semi-normal person.
“Paradise City” is not exactly the most literate song (there is a LOT of repetition), except for the lyric above, which has aged spectacularly. It also has one of the best in-concert videos ever produced.
Axl Rose has stayed relevant for closing in on four decades, especially the last ten years because…of his Twitter feed. I have not used Twitter (or X or whatever it is called now) in years. I can probably trace it to Elon Musk, but Rose’s Twitter feed was one of the first I saw from an artist that specifically and by name pointed out the faults of Donald Trump and other members of his administration. Steve Munchin received a lot of shrapnel from Rose’s Twitter. I never would have expected Axl Rose to have such a…literate and well-informed opinions of American politics. Again…another apology from me is in order.
Sorry, Axl.
Another significant note about the Gunners (no, not Arsenal…currently leading the English Premier League AND my favorite soccer team). Unlike The Band, most songs from Guns ‘N Roses were credited to every member of the band, at least prior to 1992, when Izzy left the group.
Hello Mark,
I really enjoyed reading your piece. There were several facts that gave me pause. One thing you wrote reminded me of something I thought you might find interesting. Your line was, "Having never been in a rock band, I would not know the emotional investment band members would have in each other..." I'm going to compare this to something but I realize your point here doesn't actually apply to mine. It's simply a matter of both of our examples being related to the friction and competition among members of musical ensembles of many types.
As a violinist, I played in numerous symphonies before I had to give up my career as a musician due to shoulder replacements. Most people are entirely but understandably unaware of the behind the scenes politics in symphonies, particularly in the string sections. And of the string sections, particularly in the violin sections because they are the cornerstone of the symphony and the section with the largest number of members. This is a cut throat group of individuals. I used the word "politics" to describe the interrelations because the members of each section, the first violins and the second violins, are seated according to ability, with best at the front and weakest at the far end. The violinist in the front stand, in the outside chair, closest to the stage, is the concertmaster. What chair a violinist is a matter of pride and in some cases, level of pay scale. Periodically, members of a section can "challenge" a member in a chair ahead of them. They will each play, as in an audition, before a judge or panel and the winner takes the better chair. This entire situation baffled me because I was not competitive by nature and I didn't understand the thinking behind it. To make matters worse, my first experience of a symphony was at a prestigious symphony camp where unbeknownst to me, the competition was bound to be fierce. We spent the first day in auditions. At the end of the day, positions were posted outside of the auditorium. I knew nobody at the camp and I was a shy child. Suddenly "numerous" other kids I didn't know abruptly became overtly hostile. It wasn't until I learned that I had made concert master that I learned what it meant to be a violinist in a symphony; to sometimes deal with resentful, petty, competitive people who cared more about their image where they sat) than about the music they played.
This is the comparison I am making: the last line of my example with your line which I quoted. So I absolutely agree with you. You are very likely one hundred percent correct.
Mark, I did really enjoy reading your writing. I'm sorry it's been awhile. I just get very, very behind. But I'll do my best to visit you again soon. Because I do love to read you.
Another informative and thoughtful article. I appreciate your honesty and sensitivity, and the respectful way you write about difficult issues. The music and songs beautifully help to make your point 💛